mind the heartache, and try not to step in the steaming piles of self-pity.

i havent had a good day since june. sometimes i have ok days, and sometimes i have craptastical ones.

its not even 7am yet and already today is

yesterday wasnt all that great either. i was in a pissy mood all day, from the time i woke up to the time i got to callie's house and gorged myself on ice cream.

ice cream, the quick but very temporary fix-all.

i spent the night at callie's, because the thought of being at home alone terrifies me. (i say alone because my parents dont count- theyre always there, making things worse for me.)

bob has called me a few times out of the blue, just to chat, apparently. conversations only last roughly ten, fifteen minutes, and during those few minutes i almost feel like my happy self again. its the closest ive felt like that since before he told me he doesnt love me anymore.

anyway, the last time we hung out he told me i could call him whenever. ive fought the urge many many many times...but yesterday i decided what the hell, if he can call to chat, so can i. no big deal, just wanted to say hi.

he didnt answer. or call back later.

knowing him, hes got a really good reason. thats one thing he was never short of- a good response to everything. and i didnt leave a message, because what would i say? "hi, its me, still miserable without you, just wanted to check in and make sure you havent changed your mind, that you still have no feelings for me whatsoever and still want no part of me in your life..."

yeah, i dont think that would go over too well.

but it hurt, knowing that he could ignore my call if he wants, not saying thats what he did, and that whatever kind of relationship we have after all this is going to be solely on his terms. thats the worst kind of hurt ive experienced yet, worse than knowing hes out there, going out with his friends and having a gay old time without even thinking about me, worse than knowing he doesnt love me anymore. hes going to talk to me when he wants to, and im powerless to change it.

i realize that up til this point i sound bitter and sarcastic, and hes going to read this and im going to get into trouble and im making it worse and hes never going to talk to me again anyway...but im not really bitter or sarcastic; everything ive said up to this point is just the truth- i dont hold anything against him. he has the right to do whatever makes him happy.

you have no idea how much i want to be angry at him, how much i want to bad-mouth him to everyone, call him every name in the book, because maybe getting angry will be easier to get over him. but i cant, and i never will. he hasnt done anything wrong really; neither one of us can help the way he feels. ill never be angry with him, always ready to go back to him if he so desires, no matter how pathetic that makes me. instead of getting angry, ill just cry for the rest of my life.

i had a dream last night- bob and i were in front of callie's house. i was holding something of bob's, something he wanted really bad. i made him chase me through the backyards of my old block, running backwards, teasing him, laughing for awhile. we were having fun. and suddenly i started asking him the same question over and over again: why wont you talk to me, tell me what you think and feel? why? and he didnt have a response, just his goofy smile that i miss so much...

i left callie's and drove to work really early this morning, sat in the parking lot in my car, and cried for almost 40 minutes. i think im going certifiably insane; ive never felt this desperately alone and unloved before; ive never been this devastated in my life. i wish i had a switch to turn off my emotions, to stop loving him and move on with my life. he certainly has.

but im trapped- inside my head and my unwavering love for him. nothing holds my interest anymore. nothing excites me. i think i can honestly say im starting to really resent life. everything i had to look forward to is gone- the green day concert in august that he was supposed to go with (and after reading this, he's probably changed his mind anyway), rae's wedding in october, where he was supposed to be an usher and we were going to dance and get piss-ass drunk and make fools of ourselves...hell, im not even excited about going back to school- it was going to be an awesome year, in the townhouse with three other girls and him coming to visit all the time. i have nothing to keep me going right now. i dont want to do those things without him as a part of my life...

oh my god, i just read what i wrote; no wonder he doesnt love me, im a fucking psycho-stalker lunatic...